Fur and Fury: I Still Maintain She Was
The Greatest Coach Who Ever Lived

You may not believe me. I'm going to tell you anyway.

I once had a cat who could judge ice dancing.

And everything else too, but she liked ice dancing best. Said she liked how they swished their furry tails and stepped with their feet.

And a finer description of ice dancing I have never seen. And Xenia could communicate better than most people I've seen on the Net. You just had to be able to understand what she was saying.

And based on over ten years' association with her and watching her judge, I can reliably say that, had she been at Nagano, she would have attacked Elizabeth Punsalan on the head, peed on Shae-Lynn Bourne's dress, bitten Marina Anissina's boots until they had holes in them, gotten fur on Pasha Grishuk from purring all over her, made a bed out of Angelika Krylova's removable exhibition skirt and slept on it so she could properly absorb its lessons about good skating, and shared a couple of munchies (and Xenia had munchies) with Irina Lobacheva and said, "That's all right; come back next time and maybe you'll do better." This is not fantasy. This is not speculation. This is based on edgework and behavior of skaters in many similar situations.

And she would have tripped Tracy Wilson. And made sure she was well wired up before she did it.

Based on TV footage, I cannot determine whether she would have aimed for the puddle when she did so. But there is a reasonable possibility.

And yes, that's who did that. I can't control my damn cat.

"You're an ice dancer. You're supposed to get out of the way."

The original incident was in 1978. Some things never change.

Like correct technique.

I can testify that Xenia had been laying for this particular person for three days after a particularly bad coverage call. Quite a few people had tried to stop her. But the lady went down anyway. And Xenia had that "how shall I aim for the mouse?" look that told me she was indeed aiming the head for the puddle. And cussed out the broadcast guys out later for the fact that the headset slipped off. Wasn't her fault....

I will warn you, Tracy. Xenia has many descendants. Most of whom have inherited her abilities. Some of whom don't look like Persians.

And some are owned by some very, very interesting people. Ver-ry.

Just so you know.

Humans, let's stay out of this one. If a cat attacks her, it'll attack her. Let them express their opinions.

You ever tried to keep one of these cats locked up? With a traitor to ice dancing in the house?

That's what she is. You betray edgework, you betray ice dancing. And I learned hat from one particular Xenia grandchild...

Yep. Wouldn't be surprised if she goes for her on camera, too.....

Kitty mothers tell kitty children many things in the darkness....

And they remember. Oh, do they remember....

Enough. Let's let Tracy and the cats fight it out. And Shae-Lynn, watch your dress.

Those dyes don't look fast. (Thank you again, camera guys!)

One more time. We do not control these cats. I have seen a small cat slip out of professional restraints to bite someone for bad twizzles.

Faced with Tracy's Nagano performance, any of the Xenia line would react. Badly.

And I personally know of no one who would set a cat on someone. Most of them would rather avoid the fuss.

All I'm trying to do is warn people. That's all.

Besides, since when do cats surf the Net?

Enough of Tracy and her buddies....I'm getting sick of this.

Let's move on to pleasanter subjects.

I drove my teacher crazy in second grade talking about cats. I had a thing about white Persians. So Mom and I went to the pet store.

Now that white Persian over in the corner was perfectly fine. Mom said it looked sick. Mom would've bought me green if I'd liked blue. And made sure the blue one was at the bottom of the pile by the time I got there. Anyhow. That was my mother.

"But this one's sort of a pale peach...will that be good enough, dear?" Oh hell yes. That one had attitude. Bit all the right people. She and I were going to get along nicely. I had my skating stuff in a bag over my shoulder. She jumped on the bag, gave it a few test fluffs, and informed me I was using the wrong boots. They didn't settle right under the other stuff.

Xenia cost ten. The other cat cost twelve.

Within four days my parents had dropped a good two hundred bucks on new skating equipment. The good stuff.

Mother never did know how to budget.....

Xenia had already trounced two Labradors and a poodle..."Evasive tactics. Some people just don't know when to attack." The poodle had to have surgery. From being misdirected and running into a tree. "Typical dog. Where's the bologna?"

Right there next to the cheesecake. And the Space Food Sticks are in the cabinet. Take 'em. I don't like 'em.

Just make sure the wrappers get in the trash....

She'd already ripped up two of my outfits. I patched them back up. Better, she said. And then went to sleep on them. Hard. Rolled around. I had to take sequins off to get all the fur off. "That's okay. They look better anyway."

Rule #1: Any costume that a cat does not like to sleep on is not a good costume. I have seen this proven so many times I can't believe Scotty and the biomechanical guy weren't telling us that in Nagano.

Rule #2: The best is always a safe expenditure.

Rule #3: Don't try to keep a cat from sleeping on your outfit. It will only come out worse for you in the end.

I believe Xenia's rules eventually came out to about 457. I intend someday to have them all up. As we move through the narrative.

Rule #458: Don't bury people where they're liable to be noticed. Bury them in nice, leafy places where they can watch people come and go. And you can hiss at them. That's more fun.

I did my best.

Back to Skating Page

Meow. Off the ice. Hiss. And you do not know how
to skate, kittens! Go LEARN! (furious swipe of the tail)