"The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades."

Cute song. By Timbuk 3. We've all heard it.

What's so special about it?

Merely that it is the most insanely technically demanding song of our time. Insane. I shudder at thinking about skating it.

You'd have to pop a quad in there somewhere. Maybe a few triples. Better than that danged biomechanical guy we American viewers had to stare at during Nagano. Dang thing was off in about five places, anyway. It was a wonder it didn't crash on its little plastic feet.

Anyhow. Jumps are the least of it. Once they're perfect. What matters -- and listen to me, children -- in the execution of "Gotta Wear Shades" is absolutely perfect line quality. That comes from absolutely perfect edges. Ab-so-lute-ly. Per-fect. Ed-ges.





Ilia can put on whatever color he wants to. The flag goes home to Canada.

Relentless. Driving. Demanding. A product of the '80s tech-pop nutsiness, it was. Not merely fast. Not merely crazy. I honestly do not believe it was meant to be skated by man.

Hi, song. I'm Elvis. These are my two skates, Left and Right.

Pleased to meetcha.

I saw the best in the world under the circumstances that will bring out what anybody has. If they've got it.

Surya dropped two edges.

Tara dropped one. Not wrong, just not there. Per-fect-ly. Nope.

Ilia? Hah. Almost as bad as the roses, were the edges scattered on the ice. Hah.

Elvis? Didn't. Just didn't. Drop. A one.


Under those circumstances. Flu. Fever. Groin and leg muscles you could literally see giving way during the performance.

He topped Brian Boitano halfway through and didn't look back.

And there he was, coming around in one of those crazy, half-pulled-back camel spins of his, chugging along on about the third rotation on an outer edge that had to be taking all he had to maintain.....and boom. There it was. No more holes in his edges. Boom. Gone. I have seen him flutz (meaning mess up) those nasty little things before. He didn't this time. Full four rotations, I believe. Perfect form, if you ignore that arm that was kind of waving. Matter of style. Not form.

Nobody else can do it. I saw it from Elvis in Nagano.


Let the boy have the jewelry. Edges are worth far, far more.

Far more.

You know those 6.0 signs Torvill-and-Dean fans used to flash?

I stole one. Elvis can have it. Maybe it'll make him feel better. Those Nagano medals were cutesy anyway.

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