About Time to Do A Spice Girls Essay

Fuck Rupert Murdoch.

They own the British media. Not bad for a set of flippy quintuplets in hot pants with two albums to their credit. Hmmm. Multicultural Barbie? The Red-Headed Strut Tutorial? Old England in a Mini? Cute, Blonde, and Fluffy? How to be Famous at Sports Without Competing in the Olympics?

Well, I'll say this. One of them goes crunch, at least you've got theother four as backup. You're learning, England. Very good. I do believe the lessons are sinking in.

Good at keeping princes and small children entertained (now if we could just be sure which is which....).

Let's be reasonable. The British papers have recovered and are limping on after the death of their trademark bit of headline fodder. Would they ever recover if the Spice Girls all went splat at once? I doubt it....I really do. I'm not sure they've got the strength to pull through another disaster of that magnitude. Holy shit...William confined to the Times. Now that would be a psychological setback.....

Should they all travel in separate planes? God knows they can afford it....

Um...the buttflip. Check. Good at public appearances. Check. Seen being nice to those stranded Windsor men. Check. Outfits from hell. Check. Necklines. Check. Heels. Check. We've even rallied around poor little anorexic children....

Ladies and gentlemen, all systems are go. They can even sing.

This time she even comes in a choice of hair colors, plus black for those who demand consideration of the ethnically challenged (or whatever it is we're calling it now).

What the hell are we complaining about? A full deck of Queens plus an extra just in case. The Lord has been gracious in His provision. You want Hearts? Waaall, that's Hearts, Spades, Diamonds, Clubs, and maybe an extra Heart to go take William to lunch for Valentine's. Leave the rest to sort through the mash cards....

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've got it covered! Sing on, girls!

(Better vocal training than the first one had, at any rate....)

Ten years younger and ready to go! Never say the Lord doesn't answer prayers!

See, it can happen to anyone. The fairy tale lives still. Whooopeee! We're saved!

You know Diana was gonna get her tongue pierced right before she died, didn't you? It was in all the papers. Don't you remember? Living symbol of the country with international outreach? Geri. Union Jack mini. It'll do. I do believe. It will do.

Sigh. The long nightmare is over.......

(The Mirror. Three damn dollars and seventy-five cents by the time it got to the States. Every week. You saved me, boys! Soccer scores, vibrator ads, and the latest dirt on the Royals! People, eat your damn heart out! Enquirer, forget it! Time -- only on the best of days. Rock on, boys!)

(I ain't been this damn funny since third grade. Long live the kids at Weaverville Primary! Stand-up paradise -- at least until Ms. Snelson made me sit down....)