Tom Lehrer

Goddammit, will someone get it over with and put a Tom Lehrer song on the ice?

You all have major fan sites. Guys:

You have been threatening to skate to "The Elements" for the last five years. So what if the fans finally figure out you can spell "beryllium?"

You have been toting that "New Math" CD to the rink, trying to work up your nerve, for how long? Do you realize who almost stole it? Only because you talked about it so much....

And you. "Masochism Tango." Get it over with.... they can fight over "Vatican Rag?"

Any takers on "Lobachevsky?" I thought so. Go get'em....

God Almighty. The best-known single musical artist among international figure skaters, and you'd never know it by looking at the tape. Nobody's got the nerve.

Basically afraid it'll go over the fans' heads. Reputation. Careers. Money.

So trot out the, um....cute music and keep on going. (No, dear. That doesn't count. They had no idea.) about Miss Ponytail tries "National Brotherhood Week?"

Maybe Miss Sequins tries "Poisoning Pigeons In the Park?" Will that settle things?

And the glory of it is, your average tapehead vidiot fan has absolutely no idea what those last two sentences were about!

Or break the deadlock....yeah, him. Just hand him a song. He can skate to it. He always does, doesn't he?

I'm doing well. I have written three sentences that will be absolutely incomprehensible to the average fan. (Deliberately. Hush.)